What isn't missing

It's a running joke in our family that we have only boys. I have four amazing sons, and six nephews (soon to be seven). I have been shopping with my sister as we slowly pass the baby girl section with longing and wistful looks at the christmas dresses with tulle and ribbons, and we have to skip the aisles of rows and rows of barbies with golden, brushable hair smiling from their shiny boxes. We say "Oh we would have LOVED this as a kid..." Currently, I know all about Bey Blades, and species of dinosaurs, and Skylanders Swap Force.
     One day a couple years ago, Elliott (now almost 7) had his first play date. It was this sweet little girl named Ava from his preschool class. I was more excited than he was as I pulled out a rubbermaid tub of my little ponies, and my precious shoe box of sea wees. See here if you are not a child of the 80s.

This adorable, pig tailed girl showed up, and I left them with peanut butter sandwiches at the counter while I went to dig out more vintage treasures. I came back out to Elliott and Ava "eating" my sea wees with Elliott's dinosaur collection. My face fell, and I went back to reminiscing over my sticker books...
Everyone says "Girls are drama, you're lucky", at least you didn't have to buy all new things, etc. etc. It doesn't help. I LOVE being a "boy mom", it makes you tough (like when you step on legos), you get to be a cheerleader at sports, my teenager plays guitar and plays chess like a boss, and except for the roughhousing and fights, they are mostly sweet, especially when my little Sawyer who is 5 still comes up and says "Mommy, you are so beautiful". And I know they will be fierce protectors of Chandler. I already miss the days when Luke used to catch frogs in the field behind my mom and dads house fourteen years ago. I see my 2 year old nephew Jake drive a "bus" (monster truck) across the floor, spitting as he makes truck noises and it reminds me that I won't see that anymore. My babies are boys now. (Elliott was climbing the rock wall at the Y for Cub Scouts today!) But every once in a while I get little glimpses of what I missed by having only boys. Today I took my boyfriends daughter dress shopping for a formal. She is in a fashion show at school for children with special needs and their mainstream peers. What a cool concept. Kids that might not get the chance at a "grand march" and parents that feel that pain of looking at prom season in the stores knowing that their child won't be going. It hurts. It's the cycle of grief that never stops. Reminders of our children's differences. The kids that take part in this, that want to increase social inclusion are amazing. I am glad to see the future leaders and the inspiring teens that do this.
     Walking into the dress store, she piled her arms full of dresses. Lace, sequins, ruffles, beads, flowers....I played with my phone, and sat on the floor drinking coffee. I began to look around. Thinking back to school days, and prom. Dress fittings for my sisters wedding. I watched mom and daughter pairs come in the door, one after another. The girls came in and out of the curtained rooms draped in layers of soft, shiny fabric. I suddenly wanted to play dress up. One after the next was tried on, and Sam and I laughed about some "NOT even an option, Nicole, I hate these ruffles", contemplated some, admired some, and finally decided on this beautiful black and sparkly one with a corset back. Stunning. She looked so pretty and we agreed this was "THE dress". I was blinking back tears thinking about what I get to do now. I may have missed out on my own daughter, but this is a close second. Sometimes we are too focused on what we don't have. What is missing. There are daily reminders in my life that nothing is missing. Things are as they should be.

Making sense

There was this young woman driving erradically. She cut a few people off. Sunglasses on, iphone in her hand, she was reaching behind her repeatedly. Her kids were bouncing up and down in the car, misbehaving. Her car was filthy and she was drinking Starbucks. She slammed on her brakes at the stoplight almost missing the red light, and the old woman next to her shook her head in disgust. The young woman lowered her sunglasses and the old woman could she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy, tears were making mascara run streaming rivers down her cheeks. The old woman stopped shaking her head. This young woman, she hadn't time to think about washing her car this week. The coffee was dinner. Her son with autism was the one constantly bouncing and he was whining hearing his mom cry. She was repeatedly reaching for his hand. On the phone was her sister and they were discussing their mothers options. Her mother doesn't have much time left. The past few months have been a constant strain on her siblings. She wants to fix it. There isn't any fixing it. That young woman was me. Just a couple days ago.

Some things I just can't make sense of. As human beings we have this need to control the things that are happening around us. When we can't it is frustrating, and hard to understand. I don't have any tears left. I can't make a lot of sense of anything right now. I watched something amazing yesterday. I took the boys to see my mom in the hospital. Chandler is terrified of all that is medical. Lab coats, scrubs, medical equipment..sends him into a panic. We pulled into the parking lot of the hospital.  He used to go to speech at this hospital on the bottom floor, when we got there I told him he could stay in the car with Sam. He began to cry this sad, tearful cry I don't often see, so I told him "Chandler, you can come. But it isn't speech. We are here to see grandma, and she is sick." He took my hand. On the the third floor, he began to whine, and as we got closer to her room it began a full out anxious cry. I didn't have the energy to fight, and I wasn't annoyed. I simply said "If you want to stay in the hall, you can. Mom is going in. Grandma is in this room. You can stay here by the wall. It's okay." And he froze. Then he did something incredible. He clenched his fists, and he put his head down. He did a very deliberate run/walk into her room. A quick scan told him she was indeed in here, and he plopped down in the chair. She smiled at said "Chandler! I'm so proud of you!" And so was I. Proud of him. Proud of her for seeing the things in him that I do. Wondering what he understands.

I went back alone to the hospital today. I talked with the doctor and found out I do have more tears. I sat with her for a long time. She can't say much because of the pneumonia. In a few days when she is back at the nursing home I will be able to understand her better. She wants to go home. Even for the day so she can see her house, her things, her bird feeders that sit outside the window and attract hundreds of birds even in winter. She asked me today if my brother Justin could put a bird feeder outside her window at the nursing home. I told her I would ask. It made me think she probably wouldn't see another summer. Do not wait for the things you want to do. Don't wait another second for the things you want to tell people. Don't say "I'll go tomorrow. I'll call next week." Do it now. And don't judge other people based on what you think you see. Be good people, pay it forward. A few months ago I was annoyed when I saw my mom was calling me again for the fourth time in one day. God what I would give to have more time. Make every day count.

Christmas 2013

Christmas is always such a bittersweet time of year for parents that have kids with autism. Do you travel, stay home, bring your own food, go to a mall, visit Santa...and what kind of present to get? The anxiety of all of it can be overwhelming, as much for the parent as the child. Sometimes I think I get too into my own head thinking about how hard it will be for Chandler. He loves Christmas trees, snow, and could care less about presents unless it is a case of pop tarts. I never gave it much thought, as we always had the same traditions in my family. My siblings and I would all pile the kids in our respective vehicles, and drive to Detroit Lakes. There would be a mountain of gifts with police caution tape around the tree. We would forgo the traditional turkey for a potluck with meatballs, cheese trays, 15 kinds of sweets, and an assortment of food that we would regret stuffing our faces with, as well as doritoes, so the kids were extra happy. It was hard for my parents to go anywhere because of my mom's MS. It has deteriorated her body to the point that she will spend her first Christmas in the nursing home this year. We were all too busy dealing with it for me to think about how it would affect Chandler. That scares me. I haven't yet explained to my kids that she isn't going home. For a number of reasons, I am no longer speaking to my father. How am I going to explain to my kids that we aren't going there for Christmas? No matter how we try to fake that Christmas will be "just as fun" because they all get to be together, things are changed forever. I have to somehow find a way to accept it, and move on. It's never easy letting go of a part of your life that was such a dear to your heart tradition.


 http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a67344f5445784e54633d0d0a&blogview=true

All that for a coffee?!

Chandler is terrified of Scheels. Unfortunately, Scheels is a sporting goods store on a main street where I live. It is a massive, looming sporting goods store that sits just north of where I turn to go to Caribou Coffee.   Today, he was quietly sitting in the bucket seat of the suburban behind me and to the right. At the stoplight, almost there. In the rearview mirror, I saw, in slow motion, the transformation of his expression. Complacent and calm to horrified, panicked....he opened his mouth and that fire alarm scream came out mixed with the beginning of meltdown noises and tears. I was in the left hand lane, with a RED RED arrow...I kept repeating "We are NOT going to Scheels. Mom wants COFFEE. COFFEE." at a volume over his screeching. His brothers in the back seat, one of them with his hands over his face, the other with eyes as wide as saucers. He began to shift the door handle furiously, and when that didn't work, down went the electric window. Yes, that's right. He was willing to climb out the window of my vehicle to escape his nightmare store that we weren't going to. I instinctively reached over to stop him, pleading with him to shut the window as the wind is sending snow into the car. I may have injured my shoulder trying to do this. GREEN ARROW. I floored it. He began to slow the panic as we passed Scheels and got further down the side blocks to a more residential looking area, rounding the corner to where Caribou sits. I ordered in the drive through, and my heart slowed down as I was waiting for my extra hot, quad shot, skim, holiday peppermint mocha with white chocolate, non fat whip, extra beans...I pointed to the sign and reiterated to him "COFFEE"...and he was smiling, and bouncing up and down in his chair, quietly repeating "coffee....coff..eee"....Was it worth it? For that first sip.....Caffeine seeping into my bloodstream....tears from my eyes...never a  dull moment...

Sex and the Single parent (for single parents living with a child with autism)

Warning. Possibly, probably  offensive and controversial blog. Are you still reading this? Okay. So, my  child with autism is from a previous marriage. I refuse to get into statistics and whether or not I think that the studies on divorce rates are accurate. I have seen people get into arguments and say people are too quick to blame the autism for your relationship troubles. That is not what this blog is about, so feel free to debate or research it. So, what do you do when you are a single parent with a child on the spectrum? Taking knitting classes and get some cats. OR you might find yourself in the dating world once or more than once. Especially when you are using respite care for Friday night trips to Wal-Mart.

These are just MY OPINIONS. Don’t take my advice and then get mad at me later.

Things you SHOULD DO:

1) WAIT!  Don’t date if you are lonely. Date only when you are ready. Otherwise you will end up in crappy relationship for the wrong reasons. Sex with people you think are hot, is fine. No attachment. Or you will jump from relationship to relationship hoping the guy will change into something you want. He won’t.

2) Take care of you. Go to the salon for a pedicure. Yeah, I know, money right? Go to the spa school and use your old college student ID and save another 20%. Order Chinese and watch chick flicks like Bridesmaids and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion or nostalgic feel good movies like The Breakfast Club, or powerful standing up for what you believe in movies like The Legend of Billie Jean (starring Christian slater before he was hot), or watch Magic Mike and rewind the scene where he does “Pony by Ginuwine”, do that after you have a bottle of wine and some batteries. Do NOT watch sappy love sick garbage like Twilight or anything relating to Nicholas Sparks.  Take a pole dancing class. Start a wine Wednesday, flirt, dance, be a woman, not just a mom.

3) Don’t Settle. If the person you are dating doesn’t understand autism at first,  that is okay. But not wanting to learn, or saying things that make you feel like they don’t understand that you and your child are a package deal…RUN. 

4) Clear out the baggage. If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner that doesn’t understand autism, you can do two things. Educate them or kick their ass to the curb.

Ladies, here are some songs to help you through that relationship that you think MIGHT get better. These are just a few of my favorites to help you get through getting rid of the non committer, the cheater, the abusive a-hole, the conceited selfish one, and one you already know the relationship is over with.

Red High Heels (Kellie Pickler):

Premise: Non committing loser that can’t decide you are the best thing that has happened to him. So she goes out looking super hot in cute shoes.

Best Line: “ You thought I’d wait around forever, but baby get real. I just kicked you to the curb in my red high heels.

Best Days of Your Life (Kellie Pickler:

Premise: Cheater that downgraded! He now regrets it because you kick ass, and she is a whorey shot girl at (insert random 20 something bar).

Best Line: “ Take a look at her and do you like what you see or do you wish it was me?”

Fighter (Christina Aguilera):

Premise: Guy was a huge jerk, probably abusive and/or controlling, and she is done with that mess. Stronger for it.

Best line  “Time is up, cause I’ve had enough.”

Survivor (Destiny’s child):

Premise: She leaves the conceited one who thinks he was better than her, but not only is she surviving, she’s on top of the game.

Best line” After all the of darkness and sadness still comes happiness.”

Blow me/One last Kiss (Pink):

Premise: Hanging onto a dying relationship and she realizes there is nothing left.

Best line: “I’ll dress nice, I’ll look good, I’ll go dancing alone, I will laugh, I’ll get drunk, I’ll take somebody home.”

None of these guys are good for you or your family. Your child is THE most important thing. Not all of us can find someone who understands your child’s meltdown over pop tarts, your freak out over the new meds or respite hours. Even if you do, they may never really GET it. If (by some miraculous twist of fate), you meet THAT one. The one you connect with, who loves you for you, who understands and treats your children like their own..you will still have bumps in the road, you will still disappoint each other, you will still hurt. But appreciate it, hold onto it, don’t take it for granted. Don’t run from happiness. Don’t look for every excuse, and analyze every tiny issue.  We are all human, we make mistakes.  P.s If all of those songs fail, Listen to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog “The next episode”, and pretend you a gangsta bitch. (From the whitest girl you know.)

Hang in there girls.  Nicole

-Hacked by my teenaged son

Hello, my name is Luke Hillerson. I happen to be the teenaged son of Nicole Haisley, 36 year old divorcee and self-titled philosopher. I don't have an incredible amount of things to type, but I figured that I would take the opportunity of an open blog page sitting in front of me in the living-room. As a result of growing up with an interesting duck like my mother Nicole, I've learned a few tips about mothers to share with anyone willing to read. Next to me I have Sami Watkins, and together we've compiled a list of things to avoid when dealing with the key "female-authority figure" in anyone's given life.

-Making a Mess
I've had a difficult time with this throughout my life, being a forgetful individual by nature. If you end up making a mess, just blame it on someone else, and make sure that the lie is nearly untraceable.

-Talking About Chicks
Mother's don't like to hear this stuff, and frankly us teenagers don't like to hear about their love interests either. If you're looking for an uncomfortable conversation, by all means, go for it.

-Swearing
Now this one is give and take, because my mother doesn't have any particular irritation with cussing, as long as it's in moderation and not in front of the little ones. Make your own judgement calls.

-Picking on Younger Siblings
Unfortunately, every one of us is programmed to do this at one point or another. Just make sure to do it while they're not at home, or you could be looking at the big-ring hand coming right at you.

-Messing with their Stuff
The blog I'm writing hopefully slaps you in the face with irony on this topic

-Being a Sloth
For some reason, mothers find it that it's not in our right as human beings to lay around and eat chips all day on the couch. When you find the logical arguement to this, let me know. I've been attempting to figure it out for years.

The difference

(this true story brought to you by American Early 90s swedish pop)

Summer 2013:

June, 87 degrees....

I am sitting on a grassy hill with a water mist gently spraying my browning skin...headphones on and the Beatles are singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", sunglasses up on my head...Elliott sits behind me with his back against mine eating a slice of pizza. I tip my head back to hit his, and he says we're upside down. He giggles. Sawyer is running around and around a young tree. They are shirtless. Chandler is galloping among the sprinklers, he is grinning and his hands are flapping wildly. Sawyer begins to pile flowers he is picking on my lap, leaning over to kiss my cheek. Elliott gets up from his picnic, and catches my eye and smiles, and he runs off to join Chandler. The breeze feels good, and my body posture is relaxed, open, I'm stretched out in the sun. This might be the perfect day. Tears fill my eyes...


Summer 2012:

June, 90 degrees....

I am sitting on the deck. My sunglasses are on, my headphones are on.. Oleander is singing "Why I'm Here"...Chandler is sifting sand through his fingers. His brothers are sitting in the shade shadow he makes, silently driving cars through a path of sand. Sawyer is driving his car around and around. It feels scorching and the air is stuffy. I'm sweaty, and irritated. No one is talking. Chandlers fingers make flipping motions, flicking the sand everywhere. He stares at me for a bit. I smile at him and he looks down. My arms are around my knees, and my body is small, closed off.  Tears fill my eyes....