Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Boy Mom...why yes, it sometimes sucks...

Why raising boys in 2015 is so much harder than decades prior to now…..

I have four boys. Yep, four. 18, 12, 7, and 6. And I have brothers, and nephews (yeah, 7 nephews). Our family doesn't make girls apparently. So over the years I have heard phrases from my well meaning friends like "Oh, but girls are more drama!" "You spend so much less on clothes!" "You are so lucky, no wedding and prom expenses!" Well, let me tell you, that while I tend to agree with the financial aspect, there are a few "cons" to the raising of a testosterone filled household. My top ten annoyances aka things I loathe about having sons in no particular order.

1) NERF:

Yeah, the company that makes foam weaponry that have an alarmingly accurate range and increasing speed. Way to go math geniuses. Rather than the simple arrow or dart you had a ten pack of and had to look high and low for to reload when my brothers were kids, now you have "Nerf zombie Strike Crossfire Bow", so they can pelt me in the head, while simultaneously shooting my back with the sidearm ricochet disc blaster. Awesome.

2) Legos:

Gone are the days of creative building with primary colored blocks, building castles, houses, and maybe a spaceship. Nope. Those are "classic collections" or "lego creative builder" like it's some amazing inspirational tool instead of the money sucking hole that brings you the LEGO Star Wars Sandcrawler Play set for $299.95, but WAIT! Legos are for girls too! Maybe you are interested in the Parisian Restaurant Play Set for a mere $159.95. Nope, we can usually afford something like a police chase set with two guys and a car. Yeah, 100 legos, 10 minutes. 20 dollars.

3) Skylanders:

I would LOVE to meet the brilliant mind behind this second to legos wallet draining scheme. Skylanders is a video game in which you don't just PLAY. You place your (sold SEPARATELY) characters on the "Portal of Power" as they come to life in the game. Followed by sequels: giants, spyro, swapforce, and the almighty cash killing Trap Team, which not only has all new characters, but also EIGHT elemental categories which need $6 crystals, traps, and trap masters that you need to complete your $80 game with all new portal that magically whisked away my paycheck.

4) Cartoon Network:

I do not understand this station. What happened to teenage mutant ninja turtles, smurfs, and scooby doo? Oh yeah, they are now live action films, and CN is home to such cartoons are Adventure Time, Amazing World of Gumball, and Uncle Grandpa? WTF? Yeah, Uncle Grandpa, who visits the homes of children with his "Belly Bag" aka talking fanny pack, a giant slice of Pizza named Steve, and a rainbow farting tiger named "Giant Realistic Flying Tiger." Seriously. I can't even.

5) Beyblades:

Little metal space ships of death. They have crappy plastic battlegrounds that if stepped on immediately crack in half, but yet the "Beys" are steel plated throwing stars. You make them "fight" with a plastic zing strip that makes them spin and crash into each other. I think you "WIN" if your Bey is still spinning….

6) Yu-Gi-Oh cards (or pokemon, or whatever collection of deckbuilding crap that covers every floor in your house):

 Every now and again I hear a gasp from the other room. "OMG, you have MAGICAL HAT!!!" or "I'm not trading you my "Fiend skull dragon!" I bought binders, I bought plastic sheets. They are. Still. On. Every. Surface. Of. This. House….counter, carpet, floor, under beds, blankets, backpacks, pockets, they are a never ending paper nuisance.

7) Minecraft:

If you haven't heard about THIS game, you don't have boys. Read Minecraft Hacks so you can have a conversation with them. Ever.

8) Robotics:

Enter Zoomer the interactive dog, or Boomer the interactive dino-sense responsive friend that knows you are interacting with him. Or MIP the hand motion Gesturesense technology that have a social media group called "Mipsters" in which you can post what YOU would like to see Mip doing!!  "I would like to see MIP tight rope walk between two buildings! #danger submitted by P. Guerra "I would like to see Mip paint with his wheels" or "Make two MIPs do a medieval joust"…GO THE F@#$ outside and play you technology laden, lazy little craps!!!!!!

9) "Art"
We have piles of coloring books, construction paper, and paint. Nope. Boys will make weapons, ships, and crap out of everything they own. Don't even try to say "Use it for its intended purpose." It's futile. Give up.

10) The One thing that is THE SAME:

Boys from every decade up until now have this common thread. Elementary school humor. Farts are funny, butts are funny, and things like "Hey Mom, hey MOM!!!! Boys go to college to get more knowledge, girls go to Jupiter go get more STUPIDER. (dissolve into hilarious, gasping for breath giggling, which makes them fart, and laugh harder."

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