So, I feel very out of touch with myself this week. Some things in my life are coming full circle, others are breaking down, and some are just...there. I was getting my backpack ready last night to leave for Pracs. For those of you who don't know, its a medical study where they pay you to draw your blood. I do these from time to time to pay for things Chandler needs, or we need as a family. I watched him playing with his blue lizard, and he wasn't looking at me, but I said "Channy, mom is going to leave for two days and Grandma will be here and Luke, and I will be home Thursday." He looked up briefly and then ignored me to attend to his lizard. I just sighed and kept packing. I always wonder if he knows I'm gone, or wonders where I am.
Today, I got alted out of the study (they have several alternate people), and left an hour or two after checking in. I opened the front door and hear my toddlers yelling "Mommy! Mommy's here!" And we talked and I make a burrito and a coffee. I go downstairs to sit on the couch for a minute and talk to Grandma who is folding laundry. Chandler comes down the hall and sees me and giggles and climbs onto my lap. He said over and over "Mamamamama....and wrapped his arm around my neck in the one armed hug that is his trademark embrace. He kissed my face and could not stop giggling. I held him and held him, and he looked at Grandma and said "Buh bye". He really does miss me when I'm gone, and that both scares and delights me at the same time. But mostly it makes me cry and laugh and hug him tighter, and we sat for a long time without saying anything, but it was pure love and joy. Nothing else.