Friday, October 7, 2011

Against the wind....

I was thinking about blogging this morning. If I had, my mood would have been thoughtful, calm, and serene. I was walking down the corridor at Meritcare with a birthday gift for my mother, a birdfeeder, under my arm. She has MS and cannot attend to hobbies as she would like. I am not speaking to my father right now which makes me sad. I want to move away yet I want to visit my mother at the same time.
I am now at the computer in a dirty transformers t-shirt, shaking, with tears streaming down my face. Chandler is mid meltdown. I am creeping closer to my own. In psychology they talk about correlation not causation. Is his meltdown my fault, or mine his? Maybe a bit of both. I am never sure how personal to get in blogs. But they aren't just stories, they are therapy. I need this, so again, holding breath, jumping in....
I don't why Chandler has had a tough week. The weather is screwed up, our household is screwed up. I am mid divorce, and everything came down like a domino effect. I made some choices, he made some choices. Mostly poor. It's funny how when you need your friends and family the most, when you mess up, you look around and you are standing by yourself. Some make lovely excuses, some just turn dark like storms and assault you with fallout. You may not agree with my choices, but I remember times I stood by you as a friend, a sister, a daughter. It shouldn't matter. You should be able to see that I'm hurting. My decisions may not be the ones you would make, but they are mine. The worst thing you can say to me is "Think about your kids". (screaming) THATS ALL I DO. You don't see me with the piles of paperwork trying to write a new IEP, you dont see my crying and signing to Chandler over and over, and doing math for the 20th time today. You don't see me crying when I have called my children thirty times and he won't answer or let me talk to them. You say I do it for attention, but no one puts themselves through the hell I do everyday for attention. No one steps into the fire as much as I do trying to make a better life for me, for my kids. I think whats even worse is when I reach out to you, and you turn away. You will never understand how you added to this, how you let me down. You will say, "You deserved it", "I cant trust you", "You lied to me". Being there for someone involves forgiving someone, and sometimes doing it again if they screw up. I cannot BELIEVE the amount of selfishness I have encountered over the past few months.
*pause* chandler takes two seconds to come over here, sees I am crying. He climbs onto my lap and faces me. I say "Im sad", he giggles. He points at my Transformer shirt and says "Yum". Not sure what that means, but I lean into his hug and he starts counting...11...12...and tilts his head waiting for me to join in. I do and I breathe. Lucky Chandler. He will never understand grudges, or hate, or any of the social psychological games people play. I love you baby.
The wind is relentless today....I can't stand the pain anymore. Of wanting to say what I feel, but wondering if people know how short life is. I guess maybe its time to let go. If you can't love me for who I am, then don't be my friend. My family.

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