Sunday, June 12, 2011

Pushing on...

'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse....Eminem

Sorry for the language, but its so relevant. Parents of children with special needs of all kinds have a power in their being. A glowing inner light that is always there, and some days you need to recharge it, but some days it shines and you are surprised by the adrenaline, the fierceness, the give that you have. Like you would give your all, your strength 'til it gives out, your blood and tears, and your life for your child. 
I had someone say to me once, "You only do what you do for autism to look good. To make yourself look better in the eyes of others." This really needs no answer, no response, but I want to respond. I held onto that thought as a nasty remark to disregard, but one day I gave it the thorough wringing out that I needed to. Do I? Is that what I do? What do I gain from my struggle, and my efforts? Relief of guilt? Satisfaction of doing people telling me I did something good for my child and others? I settled on a mix of a knowing, sad smirk of forgiveness and a recharge of my glowing drive. Screw that. I give my everything to make my child's life better, to raise the quality for all children I know, and all families I know that have to struggle with autism, or with any need. I have seen parents worse off then me. I have seen the same, shared pain and the hopelessness, and the sadness. I have seen the joy, the return of hope, and the passion my fellow moms have. I will help you if you ask me. I will bring you dinner, I will watch your child, I will find you an article you need, I will be there as a shoulder, a listener, a friend. And I will not turn away from those who need it most. I do not hold grudges, I will not stand against those who make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Do I do what I do because it feels good? Hell yes. Is my child at the center of everything I do? Absolutely. This is my life's fight. Its what I go to school for, its what I live and breathe. My life is meaningful because of autism, and if I help one parent, one child, even just mine, I consider myself a success. LOVE. Nicole

1 comment: