There was this young woman driving erradically. She cut a few people off. Sunglasses on, iphone in her hand, she was reaching behind her repeatedly. Her kids were bouncing up and down in the car, misbehaving. Her car was filthy and she was drinking Starbucks. She slammed on her brakes at the stoplight almost missing the red light, and the old woman next to her shook her head in disgust. The young woman lowered her sunglasses and the old woman could she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy, tears were making mascara run streaming rivers down her cheeks. The old woman stopped shaking her head. This young woman, she hadn't time to think about washing her car this week. The coffee was dinner. Her son with autism was the one constantly bouncing and he was whining hearing his mom cry. She was repeatedly reaching for his hand. On the phone was her sister and they were discussing their mothers options. Her mother doesn't have much time left. The past few months have been a constant strain on her siblings. She wants to fix it. There isn't any fixing it. That young woman was me. Just a couple days ago.
Some things I just can't make sense of. As human beings we have this need to control the things that are happening around us. When we can't it is frustrating, and hard to understand. I don't have any tears left. I can't make a lot of sense of anything right now. I watched something amazing yesterday. I took the boys to see my mom in the hospital. Chandler is terrified of all that is medical. Lab coats, scrubs, medical equipment..sends him into a panic. We pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. He used to go to speech at this hospital on the bottom floor, when we got there I told him he could stay in the car with Sam. He began to cry this sad, tearful cry I don't often see, so I told him "Chandler, you can come. But it isn't speech. We are here to see grandma, and she is sick." He took my hand. On the the third floor, he began to whine, and as we got closer to her room it began a full out anxious cry. I didn't have the energy to fight, and I wasn't annoyed. I simply said "If you want to stay in the hall, you can. Mom is going in. Grandma is in this room. You can stay here by the wall. It's okay." And he froze. Then he did something incredible. He clenched his fists, and he put his head down. He did a very deliberate run/walk into her room. A quick scan told him she was indeed in here, and he plopped down in the chair. She smiled at said "Chandler! I'm so proud of you!" And so was I. Proud of him. Proud of her for seeing the things in him that I do. Wondering what he understands.
I went back alone to the hospital today. I talked with the doctor and found out I do have more tears. I sat with her for a long time. She can't say much because of the pneumonia. In a few days when she is back at the nursing home I will be able to understand her better. She wants to go home. Even for the day so she can see her house, her things, her bird feeders that sit outside the window and attract hundreds of birds even in winter. She asked me today if my brother Justin could put a bird feeder outside her window at the nursing home. I told her I would ask. It made me think she probably wouldn't see another summer. Do not wait for the things you want to do. Don't wait another second for the things you want to tell people. Don't say "I'll go tomorrow. I'll call next week." Do it now. And don't judge other people based on what you think you see. Be good people, pay it forward. A few months ago I was annoyed when I saw my mom was calling me again for the fourth time in one day. God what I would give to have more time. Make every day count.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Friday, December 13, 2013
Christmas 2013
Christmas is always such a bittersweet time of year for parents that have kids with autism. Do you travel, stay home, bring your own food, go to a mall, visit Santa...and what kind of present to get? The anxiety of all of it can be overwhelming, as much for the parent as the child. Sometimes I think I get too into my own head thinking about how hard it will be for Chandler. He loves Christmas trees, snow, and could care less about presents unless it is a case of pop tarts. I never gave it much thought, as we always had the same traditions in my family. My siblings and I would all pile the kids in our respective vehicles, and drive to Detroit Lakes. There would be a mountain of gifts with police caution tape around the tree. We would forgo the traditional turkey for a potluck with meatballs, cheese trays, 15 kinds of sweets, and an assortment of food that we would regret stuffing our faces with, as well as doritoes, so the kids were extra happy. It was hard for my parents to go anywhere because of my mom's MS. It has deteriorated her body to the point that she will spend her first Christmas in the nursing home this year. We were all too busy dealing with it for me to think about how it would affect Chandler. That scares me. I haven't yet explained to my kids that she isn't going home. For a number of reasons, I am no longer speaking to my father. How am I going to explain to my kids that we aren't going there for Christmas? No matter how we try to fake that Christmas will be "just as fun" because they all get to be together, things are changed forever. I have to somehow find a way to accept it, and move on. It's never easy letting go of a part of your life that was such a dear to your heart tradition.
http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a67344f5445784e54633d0d0a&blogview=true
http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a67344f5445784e54633d0d0a&blogview=true
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
All that for a coffee?!
Chandler is terrified of Scheels. Unfortunately, Scheels is a sporting goods store on a main street where I live. It is a massive, looming sporting goods store that sits just north of where I turn to go to Caribou Coffee. Today, he was quietly sitting in the bucket seat of the suburban behind me and to the right. At the stoplight, almost there. In the rearview mirror, I saw, in slow motion, the transformation of his expression. Complacent and calm to horrified, panicked....he opened his mouth and that fire alarm scream came out mixed with the beginning of meltdown noises and tears. I was in the left hand lane, with a RED RED arrow...I kept repeating "We are NOT going to Scheels. Mom wants COFFEE. COFFEE." at a volume over his screeching. His brothers in the back seat, one of them with his hands over his face, the other with eyes as wide as saucers. He began to shift the door handle furiously, and when that didn't work, down went the electric window. Yes, that's right. He was willing to climb out the window of my vehicle to escape his nightmare store that we weren't going to. I instinctively reached over to stop him, pleading with him to shut the window as the wind is sending snow into the car. I may have injured my shoulder trying to do this. GREEN ARROW. I floored it. He began to slow the panic as we passed Scheels and got further down the side blocks to a more residential looking area, rounding the corner to where Caribou sits. I ordered in the drive through, and my heart slowed down as I was waiting for my extra hot, quad shot, skim, holiday peppermint mocha with white chocolate, non fat whip, extra beans...I pointed to the sign and reiterated to him "COFFEE"...and he was smiling, and bouncing up and down in his chair, quietly repeating "coffee....coff..eee"....Was it worth it? For that first sip.....Caffeine seeping into my bloodstream....tears from my eyes...never a dull moment...
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Sex and the Single parent (for single parents living with a child with autism)
Warning. Possibly, probably offensive and controversial blog. Are you still reading this? Okay. So, my child with autism is from a previous marriage. I refuse to get into statistics and whether or not I think that the studies on divorce rates are accurate. I have seen people get into arguments and say people are too quick to blame the autism for your relationship troubles. That is not what this blog is about, so feel free to debate or research it. So, what do you do when you are a single parent with a child on the spectrum? Taking knitting classes and get some cats. OR you might find yourself in the dating world once or more than once. Especially when you are using respite care for Friday night trips to Wal-Mart.
These are just MY OPINIONS. Don’t take my advice and then get mad at me later.
Things you SHOULD DO:
1) WAIT! Don’t date if you are lonely. Date only when you are ready. Otherwise you will end up in crappy relationship for the wrong reasons. Sex with people you think are hot, is fine. No attachment. Or you will jump from relationship to relationship hoping the guy will change into something you want. He won’t.
2) Take care of you. Go to the salon for a pedicure. Yeah, I know, money right? Go to the spa school and use your old college student ID and save another 20%. Order Chinese and watch chick flicks like Bridesmaids and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion or nostalgic feel good movies like The Breakfast Club, or powerful standing up for what you believe in movies like The Legend of Billie Jean (starring Christian slater before he was hot), or watch Magic Mike and rewind the scene where he does “Pony by Ginuwine”, do that after you have a bottle of wine and some batteries. Do NOT watch sappy love sick garbage like Twilight or anything relating to Nicholas Sparks. Take a pole dancing class. Start a wine Wednesday, flirt, dance, be a woman, not just a mom.
3) Don’t Settle. If the person you are dating doesn’t understand autism at first, that is okay. But not wanting to learn, or saying things that make you feel like they don’t understand that you and your child are a package deal…RUN.
4) Clear out the baggage. If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner that doesn’t understand autism, you can do two things. Educate them or kick their ass to the curb.
Ladies, here are some songs to help you through that relationship that you think MIGHT get better. These are just a few of my favorites to help you get through getting rid of the non committer, the cheater, the abusive a-hole, the conceited selfish one, and one you already know the relationship is over with.
Red High Heels (Kellie Pickler):
Premise: Non committing loser that can’t decide you are the best thing that has happened to him. So she goes out looking super hot in cute shoes.
Best Line: “ You thought I’d wait around forever, but baby get real. I just kicked you to the curb in my red high heels.
Best Days of Your Life (Kellie Pickler:
Premise: Cheater that downgraded! He now regrets it because you kick ass, and she is a whorey shot girl at (insert random 20 something bar).
Best Line: “ Take a look at her and do you like what you see or do you wish it was me?”
Fighter (Christina Aguilera):
Premise: Guy was a huge jerk, probably abusive and/or controlling, and she is done with that mess. Stronger for it.
Best line “Time is up, cause I’ve had enough.”
Survivor (Destiny’s child):
Premise: She leaves the conceited one who thinks he was better than her, but not only is she surviving, she’s on top of the game.
Best line” After all the of darkness and sadness still comes happiness.”
Blow me/One last Kiss (Pink):
Premise: Hanging onto a dying relationship and she realizes there is nothing left.
Best line: “I’ll dress nice, I’ll look good, I’ll go dancing alone, I will laugh, I’ll get drunk, I’ll take somebody home.”
None of these guys are good for you or your family. Your child is THE most important thing. Not all of us can find someone who understands your child’s meltdown over pop tarts, your freak out over the new meds or respite hours. Even if you do, they may never really GET it. If (by some miraculous twist of fate), you meet THAT one. The one you connect with, who loves you for you, who understands and treats your children like their own..you will still have bumps in the road, you will still disappoint each other, you will still hurt. But appreciate it, hold onto it, don’t take it for granted. Don’t run from happiness. Don’t look for every excuse, and analyze every tiny issue. We are all human, we make mistakes. P.s If all of those songs fail, Listen to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog “The next episode”, and pretend you a gangsta bitch. (From the whitest girl you know.)
Hang in there girls. Nicole
Thursday, June 27, 2013
-Hacked by my teenaged son
Hello, my name is Luke Hillerson. I happen to be the teenaged son of Nicole Haisley, 36 year old divorcee and self-titled philosopher. I don't have an incredible amount of things to type, but I figured that I would take the opportunity of an open blog page sitting in front of me in the living-room. As a result of growing up with an interesting duck like my mother Nicole, I've learned a few tips about mothers to share with anyone willing to read. Next to me I have Sami Watkins, and together we've compiled a list of things to avoid when dealing with the key "female-authority figure" in anyone's given life.
-Making a Mess
I've had a difficult time with this throughout my life, being a forgetful individual by nature. If you end up making a mess, just blame it on someone else, and make sure that the lie is nearly untraceable.
-Talking About Chicks
Mother's don't like to hear this stuff, and frankly us teenagers don't like to hear about their love interests either. If you're looking for an uncomfortable conversation, by all means, go for it.
-Swearing
Now this one is give and take, because my mother doesn't have any particular irritation with cussing, as long as it's in moderation and not in front of the little ones. Make your own judgement calls.
-Picking on Younger Siblings
Unfortunately, every one of us is programmed to do this at one point or another. Just make sure to do it while they're not at home, or you could be looking at the big-ring hand coming right at you.
-Messing with their Stuff
The blog I'm writing hopefully slaps you in the face with irony on this topic
-Being a Sloth
For some reason, mothers find it that it's not in our right as human beings to lay around and eat chips all day on the couch. When you find the logical arguement to this, let me know. I've been attempting to figure it out for years.
-Making a Mess
I've had a difficult time with this throughout my life, being a forgetful individual by nature. If you end up making a mess, just blame it on someone else, and make sure that the lie is nearly untraceable.
-Talking About Chicks
Mother's don't like to hear this stuff, and frankly us teenagers don't like to hear about their love interests either. If you're looking for an uncomfortable conversation, by all means, go for it.
-Swearing
Now this one is give and take, because my mother doesn't have any particular irritation with cussing, as long as it's in moderation and not in front of the little ones. Make your own judgement calls.
-Picking on Younger Siblings
Unfortunately, every one of us is programmed to do this at one point or another. Just make sure to do it while they're not at home, or you could be looking at the big-ring hand coming right at you.
-Messing with their Stuff
The blog I'm writing hopefully slaps you in the face with irony on this topic
-Being a Sloth
For some reason, mothers find it that it's not in our right as human beings to lay around and eat chips all day on the couch. When you find the logical arguement to this, let me know. I've been attempting to figure it out for years.
The difference
(this true story brought to you by American Early 90s swedish pop)
Summer 2013:
June, 87 degrees....
I am sitting on a grassy hill with a water mist gently spraying my browning skin...headphones on and the Beatles are singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", sunglasses up on my head...Elliott sits behind me with his back against mine eating a slice of pizza. I tip my head back to hit his, and he says we're upside down. He giggles. Sawyer is running around and around a young tree. They are shirtless. Chandler is galloping among the sprinklers, he is grinning and his hands are flapping wildly. Sawyer begins to pile flowers he is picking on my lap, leaning over to kiss my cheek. Elliott gets up from his picnic, and catches my eye and smiles, and he runs off to join Chandler. The breeze feels good, and my body posture is relaxed, open, I'm stretched out in the sun. This might be the perfect day. Tears fill my eyes...
Summer 2012:
June, 90 degrees....
I am sitting on the deck. My sunglasses are on, my headphones are on.. Oleander is singing "Why I'm Here"...Chandler is sifting sand through his fingers. His brothers are sitting in the shade shadow he makes, silently driving cars through a path of sand. Sawyer is driving his car around and around. It feels scorching and the air is stuffy. I'm sweaty, and irritated. No one is talking. Chandlers fingers make flipping motions, flicking the sand everywhere. He stares at me for a bit. I smile at him and he looks down. My arms are around my knees, and my body is small, closed off. Tears fill my eyes....
Summer 2013:
June, 87 degrees....
I am sitting on a grassy hill with a water mist gently spraying my browning skin...headphones on and the Beatles are singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", sunglasses up on my head...Elliott sits behind me with his back against mine eating a slice of pizza. I tip my head back to hit his, and he says we're upside down. He giggles. Sawyer is running around and around a young tree. They are shirtless. Chandler is galloping among the sprinklers, he is grinning and his hands are flapping wildly. Sawyer begins to pile flowers he is picking on my lap, leaning over to kiss my cheek. Elliott gets up from his picnic, and catches my eye and smiles, and he runs off to join Chandler. The breeze feels good, and my body posture is relaxed, open, I'm stretched out in the sun. This might be the perfect day. Tears fill my eyes...
Summer 2012:
June, 90 degrees....
I am sitting on the deck. My sunglasses are on, my headphones are on.. Oleander is singing "Why I'm Here"...Chandler is sifting sand through his fingers. His brothers are sitting in the shade shadow he makes, silently driving cars through a path of sand. Sawyer is driving his car around and around. It feels scorching and the air is stuffy. I'm sweaty, and irritated. No one is talking. Chandlers fingers make flipping motions, flicking the sand everywhere. He stares at me for a bit. I smile at him and he looks down. My arms are around my knees, and my body is small, closed off. Tears fill my eyes....
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
36 things I don't regret.
Normally this is a blog about my son, autism, and the ups and downs. I would say this is very relevant. I am turning 36 today. That means I have had ten years of autism under my belt, a degree, several jobs, relationships, and a plethora of turning points, learning moments. But the one thing I don't have is regrets. I have read all the blogs saying 40 things I want to do by 40, bucketlists, etc. I don't have a bucketlist, nor do I really want one. Instead I have compliled a list of 36 things I don't regret.
#1 Not selling out in high school.
I was always one to speak my mind. I remember one chemistry class where some male students were teasing an unpopular girl about how much she liked one of the "jocks", until she had tears in her eyes and I couldn't take it. I told all of them where to "stick it", and honestly, I have no idea if she remembers it, where she is, and I may have lost some "friends". I took the crap instead of her for the rest of that semester from those assholes, but I see so many people just stand there while others get bullied. Don't do it. Even as adults.
#2 Getting addicted to coffee.
I love Starbucks, I love Caribou, Dunn brothers, and mochas of all kinds. It was an acquired taste, and I have found out of the way little coffee shops cleverly hidden in Vegas, California, and Mexico, and its an adventure in caffeine. It helps me stay awake, and get things done without speed or crack.
#3 Risking looking like a fool
I sing in my car. Loudly. I talk to strangers. I dance with my kids. It feels like life, and I won't stop doing it.
#4 Bartending
I don't want to hear anyone say its for men, or its a bad job. I learned more about people and psychology, and how to be a bad ass and take even less crap than I did before. I got to pick the music (and I often picked Kenny Rogers The Gambler to piss off the blackjack dealers and make me laugh), make good money, and learn how to make a cement mixer and people watch. Truly glorious job.
#5 Staying in Fargo
When I was in high school and college, computers were very up and coming. Yeah, I'm old. I liked a class called "Hypercard." I made a little tropical bird walk across ice and fall in, I thought I was an art and computer god. I wanted to work for Pixar and move to California. My life is different than that, and I like North Dakota. I like open country, small towns, and fresh air. All the things I hated as a teenager.
#6 Wasting time in elementary school and junior high learning the lyrics to all my favorite songs.
I still do this. I used to make mixed tapes, and call radio DJs. (I still do that second part too. :) Music is therapy. It makes you feel anything you let it. It takes you a milllion places, holds memories, changes your mood. Learn the words.
#7 Spending money.
Yes, I could have bought less shoes (not my snakeskin red and black heels from Rock Republic) but none the less, I love them. I love clothes, I love coffee, I love telling my kids they can order the giant brownie earthquake sometimes, but most of all, I love vacations. Memories are more important than things. I would not trade a saved million dollars for all the stories I have.
#8 Marriage number one.
Notice I didn't say divorce. I do not regret the relationship. We are still "friends". We have an amazing teenager. Ex is married to an awesome lady with great kids, and we were too young. We learned to grow up fast, and how to parent.
#9 Leaving toxic friends behind.
Some people make you feel bad, period. They are draining, they are tiring, and they take more than they give. Cut them out of your life, and you won't look back. I'm sure I have been that person at times, and if people cut me out, they were probably right to do it.
#10 Blogging
It's therapy. Yes, its personal. Yes, you will piss some people off, but you will inspire others. You will get the words out you are holding in your heart and your head. You will learn about yourself, and maybe teach some a few things.
#11 Bikini waxing
Damn they hurt, but you don't have to shave as often. They are embarassing, and less fun then the gynecologist, but I still go. Don't do it for your man, do it for yourself. It makes a few things more convenient.
#12 Serving
I've heard people say waitressing is demeaning. It's not. I made amazing tips, and I met numerous kinds of people, and had some great conversations. Everyone should try it once. I can also carry 15 drinks in heels.
#13 Speaking my mind.
Okay, this one was probably a really bad idea at times. Like when your thoughts come out too fast like word vomit, and you tell someone what you really should have kept to yourself. "I DO hate your friends." Comes to mind, but you know, honestly truly is the best policy. Keep it in, and it will become poison and I guarantee it comes out sometime later. I fight like this with ex husband #2, my dad, and my siblings, and it works for us. Three minutes of unleashing freak out, and we're done. All the cards are on the table, take them or leave them. Don't hold the trump card, it's not fair.
#14 Letting my kids watch inappropriate television or listen to Dre, Eminem, or Sublime..etc.
They will learn bad things in school. You can either watch with them, and talk about it, or they will make up whatever crap they want to. I'd rather be the one they ask.
#15 Marrige #2
When I was 22, video games and taco bell were cool. They aren't now. He still loves those things. But we are co parents of an amazing son. We have learned together how to take on autism and he taught me a ton of Marvel Comic Hero trivia. It's not easy.
#16 Tanning
I sometimes tan. I am sometimes careful. Everything should be done in moderation. I am with those that think a little sun improves the mood, especially in cold ass ND. Vitamin D also staves off MS which affects my family.
#17 Not becoming a vegetarian.
I like bacon. Enough said. And creatures of the sea, you are delicious with butter. I will gladly crack open your legs and wierdly colored bodies, and eat the insides. Sushi is my newest love, and welcome to the club.
#18 Facebook.
Yep, its a big time suck hole. But I know who married who from high school, I laugh at the funny ecards and delight in showing off my children to the world. If you annoy me, I delete you. It really is no different than watching TV, for the entertainment value, plus I can see the breaking news and that's faster than driving to the store to buy a paper. That wastes trees.
#19 Trying pot in college.
Yep, and my teenager knows it. All it did was make me want to eat the macaroni salad with peas and velveeta. I hated it once, I'd probably eat oreos now instead.
#20 Not always acting my age.
I still really like cartoons and cereal. I also like really sparkly nails. It's totally okay. If you are my age and you think its immature... You are jealous. I wanted to be Jem and the Holograms, and that is okay too.
#21 Supporting my LGBT friends.
I don't like politics. But this is one area where the Bible spewing crap needs to just stop. Unless you are crazy like Westboro, you have no excuse. You probably don't know any gay people, and you have never watched how creative the queens on RuPauls drag race are when they have to make couture from scraps in a dumpster. Way more talent than America's top model. Sorry Tyra.
#22 Law and Order SVU
Yes, mindless television kills your brain cells, but sometimes indulging yourself is fun. I would kill to be as cool as Benson on that show, and I am pretty sure I could cover up a murder now, or solve a case. The psychology behind it is intriguing, and I fully admit to seeing every episode ever made. It doesn't made me morbid or sick.
#23 Taking a job at a non profit.
No, I'm not going to be rich doing this. I am currently drowning in student loans but I LOVE my job. LOVE. That kind of helping makes you feel good, period. Tears, laughter, connecting, all of it on a level only families with children that have special health care needsd can understand. If you aren't part of this club, you miss out on another plane of life. Your perspective changes and you can never go back. Unconditional love and a lifetime of learning.
#24 Marriage #3
I took a deep breath as I typed that one. Regrets? Still no. Heavy billed divorce and huge emotional court battle. All learning lessons. If that didn't teach me how to get back up and keep going, nothing will.
#25 Random fun dating.
Nobody gets hurt. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few men that taught me very little. How to cut lemons, the shock value of being called another girls name, and how to use chopsticks, but without the wrong ones, you can't get to the right one. I know what I want and what I don't.
#26 Karaoke
You know you want to, and nobody is going to laugh at you. At least to your face. There is always someone worse than you. I love it. I will do that with my girlfriends until I'm dead.
#27 Working retail.
This job sucks. You put up with holiday lines, cleaning, stacking, and organizing tedious piles of crap. I worked at Pier One for awhile. But I learned how to make schedules, manage people, and sell things nobody really wants. No offense to Pier One, their stuff is awesome. But when you push credit cards, and little kitschy add ons, you know they don't really need that rooster shaped cookie jar, or the bejeweled napkin holders for New Years dinner. I also learned a few new Christmas songs to add to my beloved holiday list of music.
#28 Leaving my Christmas tree up until February.
I love Christmas. Well, I love Christmas eve. It is nostalgia. It is my grandparent's house, and a huge small town church with candles, it is rice krispie bars dripping in chocolate, Charlie Brown, and snowmen, and my red boom box and Cyndi Lauper tape I got in 1985. The tree is a symbol of my childhood, and when my kids are gone with dad on Christmas Day or New Years and I'm alone, it is comforting.
#29 Watching the same movies over and over.
I have met a lot more people that say this is a waste of time. People that have a couple favorites, but say "I've seen that. There's nothing to watch." One of my favorite past times is quoting comedies with my siblings and my teenager. Laughter is such good medicine, and some of my favorite times involve us against them when it comes to movies we consider "classics". What do you mean you haven't seen Labyrinth? David Bowie as the Goblin King rules!
#30 Wasting time.
Life moves too fast. Some of my favorite moments are when I am doing nothing. Enjoy the sun. Play with your kids. Go for a walk in the rain. Don't believe me? Go to youtube and find Five for Fightings 100 years.
#31 Shutting my phone off.
Yes, I will miss the latest. I know how connected you have to be, but take ONE day and do this. It is freedom you haven't felt in awhile. It will SUCK for approximately two hours. Have a glass of wine, and it will go away.
#32 Wine
My girlfriends are all laughing and saying "Duh. Wine wednesday." Designate a day for girl time. Connect with your friends. Talk about sex, and how dumb men are. Venting is healthy when done in a good way. I have learned a ton about wine, and how to properly open it, serve it, and drink it well. Thank you grapes for being awesome when you are drunk.
#33 Dancing like a freak at the bar once in awhile.
Yep, we judge. OMG, look at her! But sometimes that her should be you. Pull off sexy. Dance alone with girlfriends (not with random creepers), and let your inner Brittney or Lady Gaga come out. You feel sexy and feminine. But please wear underwear with skirts, and only ONE sexy thing at a time. Classy not trashy.
#34 Fashion risks.
My brother in law once told me he would never be seen in public with me in my lobster santa pants. Dude, they are comfortable when you have cramps, and I do not care. I also had a pair of earrings like Janet Jackoson in 7th grade. One key with hoop, one tiny gold dot. Yes it was cool. So were jelly shoes, charm bracelets, flannel, and hot pink. I don't give a shit if its trendy. If I love it, I'm wearing it. I am not hipster, I do not follow the same drummer. Unique is beautiful.
#34 Taking advice.
Most people ask for advice and don't take it. Because it is not what you want to hear. So instead you do what you want anyway..Irritating the person you asked the advice from. We aren't really asking sometimes, rather, we are looking for validation. Wanting someone to agree with what we were going to do anyway. So try taking that advice you know is right. See what happens.
#35 Dating someone with kids.
Never wanted to. Said I wouldn't. I really thought I couldn't be fair to them, and that I would always secretly favor my own. Not so. And I get to do things like shop and have coffee, and having all boys I don't get much of that. Watching someone else parent their children and have amazing moments with them makes you feel a different level of proud and admiration. It's a very new experience, and I've grown to absolutely love it.
#36 Falling in love.
When you are ready, not lonely, it is THE greatest feeling in the world. If I had hung onto my past, kept walls up, or repeated past mistakes, it would never have been possible. I didn't really believe in true love, fate, or any of the cheesy, Hallmark type things that "those" couples you make fun of talk about. It takes the right person, and more importantly, the right time in your life to come together and turn you into one of "those", like the vampires in Twilight. (Yes I do regret watching that movie.)
#1 Not selling out in high school.
I was always one to speak my mind. I remember one chemistry class where some male students were teasing an unpopular girl about how much she liked one of the "jocks", until she had tears in her eyes and I couldn't take it. I told all of them where to "stick it", and honestly, I have no idea if she remembers it, where she is, and I may have lost some "friends". I took the crap instead of her for the rest of that semester from those assholes, but I see so many people just stand there while others get bullied. Don't do it. Even as adults.
#2 Getting addicted to coffee.
I love Starbucks, I love Caribou, Dunn brothers, and mochas of all kinds. It was an acquired taste, and I have found out of the way little coffee shops cleverly hidden in Vegas, California, and Mexico, and its an adventure in caffeine. It helps me stay awake, and get things done without speed or crack.
#3 Risking looking like a fool
I sing in my car. Loudly. I talk to strangers. I dance with my kids. It feels like life, and I won't stop doing it.
#4 Bartending
I don't want to hear anyone say its for men, or its a bad job. I learned more about people and psychology, and how to be a bad ass and take even less crap than I did before. I got to pick the music (and I often picked Kenny Rogers The Gambler to piss off the blackjack dealers and make me laugh), make good money, and learn how to make a cement mixer and people watch. Truly glorious job.
#5 Staying in Fargo
When I was in high school and college, computers were very up and coming. Yeah, I'm old. I liked a class called "Hypercard." I made a little tropical bird walk across ice and fall in, I thought I was an art and computer god. I wanted to work for Pixar and move to California. My life is different than that, and I like North Dakota. I like open country, small towns, and fresh air. All the things I hated as a teenager.
#6 Wasting time in elementary school and junior high learning the lyrics to all my favorite songs.
I still do this. I used to make mixed tapes, and call radio DJs. (I still do that second part too. :) Music is therapy. It makes you feel anything you let it. It takes you a milllion places, holds memories, changes your mood. Learn the words.
#7 Spending money.
Yes, I could have bought less shoes (not my snakeskin red and black heels from Rock Republic) but none the less, I love them. I love clothes, I love coffee, I love telling my kids they can order the giant brownie earthquake sometimes, but most of all, I love vacations. Memories are more important than things. I would not trade a saved million dollars for all the stories I have.
#8 Marriage number one.
Notice I didn't say divorce. I do not regret the relationship. We are still "friends". We have an amazing teenager. Ex is married to an awesome lady with great kids, and we were too young. We learned to grow up fast, and how to parent.
#9 Leaving toxic friends behind.
Some people make you feel bad, period. They are draining, they are tiring, and they take more than they give. Cut them out of your life, and you won't look back. I'm sure I have been that person at times, and if people cut me out, they were probably right to do it.
#10 Blogging
It's therapy. Yes, its personal. Yes, you will piss some people off, but you will inspire others. You will get the words out you are holding in your heart and your head. You will learn about yourself, and maybe teach some a few things.
#11 Bikini waxing
Damn they hurt, but you don't have to shave as often. They are embarassing, and less fun then the gynecologist, but I still go. Don't do it for your man, do it for yourself. It makes a few things more convenient.
#12 Serving
I've heard people say waitressing is demeaning. It's not. I made amazing tips, and I met numerous kinds of people, and had some great conversations. Everyone should try it once. I can also carry 15 drinks in heels.
#13 Speaking my mind.
Okay, this one was probably a really bad idea at times. Like when your thoughts come out too fast like word vomit, and you tell someone what you really should have kept to yourself. "I DO hate your friends." Comes to mind, but you know, honestly truly is the best policy. Keep it in, and it will become poison and I guarantee it comes out sometime later. I fight like this with ex husband #2, my dad, and my siblings, and it works for us. Three minutes of unleashing freak out, and we're done. All the cards are on the table, take them or leave them. Don't hold the trump card, it's not fair.
#14 Letting my kids watch inappropriate television or listen to Dre, Eminem, or Sublime..etc.
They will learn bad things in school. You can either watch with them, and talk about it, or they will make up whatever crap they want to. I'd rather be the one they ask.
#15 Marrige #2
When I was 22, video games and taco bell were cool. They aren't now. He still loves those things. But we are co parents of an amazing son. We have learned together how to take on autism and he taught me a ton of Marvel Comic Hero trivia. It's not easy.
#16 Tanning
I sometimes tan. I am sometimes careful. Everything should be done in moderation. I am with those that think a little sun improves the mood, especially in cold ass ND. Vitamin D also staves off MS which affects my family.
#17 Not becoming a vegetarian.
I like bacon. Enough said. And creatures of the sea, you are delicious with butter. I will gladly crack open your legs and wierdly colored bodies, and eat the insides. Sushi is my newest love, and welcome to the club.
#18 Facebook.
Yep, its a big time suck hole. But I know who married who from high school, I laugh at the funny ecards and delight in showing off my children to the world. If you annoy me, I delete you. It really is no different than watching TV, for the entertainment value, plus I can see the breaking news and that's faster than driving to the store to buy a paper. That wastes trees.
#19 Trying pot in college.
Yep, and my teenager knows it. All it did was make me want to eat the macaroni salad with peas and velveeta. I hated it once, I'd probably eat oreos now instead.
#20 Not always acting my age.
I still really like cartoons and cereal. I also like really sparkly nails. It's totally okay. If you are my age and you think its immature... You are jealous. I wanted to be Jem and the Holograms, and that is okay too.
#21 Supporting my LGBT friends.
I don't like politics. But this is one area where the Bible spewing crap needs to just stop. Unless you are crazy like Westboro, you have no excuse. You probably don't know any gay people, and you have never watched how creative the queens on RuPauls drag race are when they have to make couture from scraps in a dumpster. Way more talent than America's top model. Sorry Tyra.
#22 Law and Order SVU
Yes, mindless television kills your brain cells, but sometimes indulging yourself is fun. I would kill to be as cool as Benson on that show, and I am pretty sure I could cover up a murder now, or solve a case. The psychology behind it is intriguing, and I fully admit to seeing every episode ever made. It doesn't made me morbid or sick.
#23 Taking a job at a non profit.
No, I'm not going to be rich doing this. I am currently drowning in student loans but I LOVE my job. LOVE. That kind of helping makes you feel good, period. Tears, laughter, connecting, all of it on a level only families with children that have special health care needsd can understand. If you aren't part of this club, you miss out on another plane of life. Your perspective changes and you can never go back. Unconditional love and a lifetime of learning.
#24 Marriage #3
I took a deep breath as I typed that one. Regrets? Still no. Heavy billed divorce and huge emotional court battle. All learning lessons. If that didn't teach me how to get back up and keep going, nothing will.
#25 Random fun dating.
Nobody gets hurt. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few men that taught me very little. How to cut lemons, the shock value of being called another girls name, and how to use chopsticks, but without the wrong ones, you can't get to the right one. I know what I want and what I don't.
#26 Karaoke
You know you want to, and nobody is going to laugh at you. At least to your face. There is always someone worse than you. I love it. I will do that with my girlfriends until I'm dead.
#27 Working retail.
This job sucks. You put up with holiday lines, cleaning, stacking, and organizing tedious piles of crap. I worked at Pier One for awhile. But I learned how to make schedules, manage people, and sell things nobody really wants. No offense to Pier One, their stuff is awesome. But when you push credit cards, and little kitschy add ons, you know they don't really need that rooster shaped cookie jar, or the bejeweled napkin holders for New Years dinner. I also learned a few new Christmas songs to add to my beloved holiday list of music.
#28 Leaving my Christmas tree up until February.
I love Christmas. Well, I love Christmas eve. It is nostalgia. It is my grandparent's house, and a huge small town church with candles, it is rice krispie bars dripping in chocolate, Charlie Brown, and snowmen, and my red boom box and Cyndi Lauper tape I got in 1985. The tree is a symbol of my childhood, and when my kids are gone with dad on Christmas Day or New Years and I'm alone, it is comforting.
#29 Watching the same movies over and over.
I have met a lot more people that say this is a waste of time. People that have a couple favorites, but say "I've seen that. There's nothing to watch." One of my favorite past times is quoting comedies with my siblings and my teenager. Laughter is such good medicine, and some of my favorite times involve us against them when it comes to movies we consider "classics". What do you mean you haven't seen Labyrinth? David Bowie as the Goblin King rules!
#30 Wasting time.
Life moves too fast. Some of my favorite moments are when I am doing nothing. Enjoy the sun. Play with your kids. Go for a walk in the rain. Don't believe me? Go to youtube and find Five for Fightings 100 years.
#31 Shutting my phone off.
Yes, I will miss the latest. I know how connected you have to be, but take ONE day and do this. It is freedom you haven't felt in awhile. It will SUCK for approximately two hours. Have a glass of wine, and it will go away.
#32 Wine
My girlfriends are all laughing and saying "Duh. Wine wednesday." Designate a day for girl time. Connect with your friends. Talk about sex, and how dumb men are. Venting is healthy when done in a good way. I have learned a ton about wine, and how to properly open it, serve it, and drink it well. Thank you grapes for being awesome when you are drunk.
#33 Dancing like a freak at the bar once in awhile.
Yep, we judge. OMG, look at her! But sometimes that her should be you. Pull off sexy. Dance alone with girlfriends (not with random creepers), and let your inner Brittney or Lady Gaga come out. You feel sexy and feminine. But please wear underwear with skirts, and only ONE sexy thing at a time. Classy not trashy.
#34 Fashion risks.
My brother in law once told me he would never be seen in public with me in my lobster santa pants. Dude, they are comfortable when you have cramps, and I do not care. I also had a pair of earrings like Janet Jackoson in 7th grade. One key with hoop, one tiny gold dot. Yes it was cool. So were jelly shoes, charm bracelets, flannel, and hot pink. I don't give a shit if its trendy. If I love it, I'm wearing it. I am not hipster, I do not follow the same drummer. Unique is beautiful.
#34 Taking advice.
Most people ask for advice and don't take it. Because it is not what you want to hear. So instead you do what you want anyway..Irritating the person you asked the advice from. We aren't really asking sometimes, rather, we are looking for validation. Wanting someone to agree with what we were going to do anyway. So try taking that advice you know is right. See what happens.
#35 Dating someone with kids.
Never wanted to. Said I wouldn't. I really thought I couldn't be fair to them, and that I would always secretly favor my own. Not so. And I get to do things like shop and have coffee, and having all boys I don't get much of that. Watching someone else parent their children and have amazing moments with them makes you feel a different level of proud and admiration. It's a very new experience, and I've grown to absolutely love it.
#36 Falling in love.
When you are ready, not lonely, it is THE greatest feeling in the world. If I had hung onto my past, kept walls up, or repeated past mistakes, it would never have been possible. I didn't really believe in true love, fate, or any of the cheesy, Hallmark type things that "those" couples you make fun of talk about. It takes the right person, and more importantly, the right time in your life to come together and turn you into one of "those", like the vampires in Twilight. (Yes I do regret watching that movie.)
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